Steal Something
by Lethe
Summary: Steal Something, in which Draco is a horndog, Sirius has a mullet, there's no way Harry is getting caught with those phoenix testicles, and the Slytherins never wear those noses past midnight anyway.


Author's note: This story was written in response to the TRS fic challenge, and the rules are posted below, in case anyone is curious.  
  
Twenty Points Each  
"Oh my god! There's a kangaroo bouncing down the street. You should check this out."  
  
"Do cucumbers have ears?"  
  
"Okay, fine. If you want clowns, you'll get clowns."  
  
  
Ten Points Each  
"Ahh kilts! That's the key!"  
  
"I have to beat them into submission with a good-taste stick."  
  
"His/Her eyes were limpid pools"  
  
"emerald-jade orbs of piercing intensity"  
  
"We really love each other."  
  
"There is no way that I am crawling under there."  
  
"Why are you holding your breath?"  
  
After an exhaled breath that the character did not realize they had been holding: "I… love… you…"  
  
"white hot tongue"  
  
"a praying mantis sat nearby"  
  
"I'm free three Saturdays from next Saturday. From 4:32 to 4:38 a.m. Is that okay with you?"  
  
  
Five Points Each  
A description of a main character using at least 5 of following adjectives: saucy, gangly, misshaped, uneven, dull, phosphorescent, flaxen, India ink, snarky, evil, bulbous, unctuous,   
  
Points of Undetermined Value  
Extra points if there is no slash implied (must contain more than two characters)  
Extra points if there is nothing BUT slash (must contain more than two characters)  
Extra points if a TRS member is given a part in the story

------------------------------------------------

"This is insane," Draco announced mournfully.  
  
"True, but you love me, right?" Harry answered. He smiled at his boyfriend, who was currently giving him a look habitually only seen on funeral directors and basset hounds.   
  
"I used to." Harry swatted Draco, Draco stuck his tongue out at Harry, and it was on. The two boys scuffled, tickled, groped and finally ended up in Draco's favorite position. Harry kissed Draco and wondered how he always managed to get trapped between Draco and the wall, with Draco giving him tongue and whispering nasty but exciting things in his ear and....... "Someone's coming! Cloak! Cloak!"  
  
Harry dragged Draco into a corner between a wall and a cabinet, throwing the Invisibility Cloak over them both. He listened to Draco breathe heavily into his ear. There were footsteps outside the door, coming closer and closer....  
  
"This is all your fault," Draco informed him. "When Snape feeds us to a dragon, you get to go first." Harry had been with Draco long enough to learn the fine art of ignoring him and so didn't answer. The door of Professor Snape's office soon opened, and the boys could see the dim outline of Snape enter, followed by another person.  
  
"Who's that?" Draco said. Harry stepped on his foot, and Draco shut up so that Harry could hear what the two men were saying.  
  
"........do cucumbers have ears, even?" said the second man, and Harry recognized him at once. It was his stepfather, Sirius Black.  
  
"I hardly think that's important at this juncture, Sirius," said Snape icily. He tossed his cape over his shoulder, sneered evilly (the contemptuous sneer, not the snarky one), and looked down his misshapen nose at his old enemy.  
  
"What is important, then?" Sirius asked. His hair, the color of blackest India ink, fell into his soulful brown eyes becomingly.  
  
_When did he get a mullet?_ Harry wondered.   
  
"That's your stepfather? He's cute. I like his hair," Draco whispered. Harry elbowed him, enjoying the fact that he had probably just put a nice bruise on Draco's ribs, and pondered the talk he was going to have with Draco about Muggle fashion later. And with Sirius, for that matter. _I have to beat them into submission with a good taste stick, the both of them,_ Harry thought.  
  
"What's important," Snape continued, advancing on Sirius and grasping him by the shoulders, "is that we really love each other."  
  
"Since whe-" Sirius started to answer, but was silenced when Snape's lips descended on his. Harry and Draco watched, one fascinated, the other repulsed. Draco took silent mental notes. Oooh, that was good, have to try that later... On the desk, and in that position, even. He and Harry had never done it that way.  
  
"That looks interesting..."  
  
"Don't even ask," Harry interrupted him. They both felt comfortable holding a conversation, as the volume of moans and groans coming from the desk was deafening. "I'm taking a vow of chastity. No more sex for me, ever. "  
  
"Pity," Draco said, licking the shell of his ear. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Well..." Harry said breathily.  
  
"Oh, Sevvie, baby.....this is like that time in Finland, remember? Remember the clowns? Do you think we could....."  
  
"Fine, then," Snape growled. "You want clowns, you'll get clowns. I still have the shoes and nose in my private apartments. Let's go." With that, Snape grabbed Sirius by one hand, hauled him off the desk and pulled him out the door. Sirius waddled along behind as best he could with his pants around his ankles.  
  
Both boys breathed a sigh of relief. Harry threw the cloak off the two of them and they moved to the front of the cabinet, which contained Snape's private store of Potions ingredients.  
  
"Now, how do we get in?" Harry pondered. He rattled the door of the cabinet. Of course it was locked, probably protected by a password. "Um...Slytherin? Snape? Potions Master? Harry Potter sucks?" The cabinet sat stubbornly, continuing to be locked. Harry gave it an unctuous stare. "Draco, how are we supposed to get into this thing?"  
  
Draco shot him a contemptuous look. He pulled out his wand, tapped the cabinet, and intoned "Snape is your daddy." The cabinet sprang open, revealing the bottles and jars inside.  
  
"Snape is your Daddy?" Harry said incredulously.   
  
Draco, searching already through the cabinet's contents, answered, "Don't ask me, I didn't set the password. Now, the last time I saw the phoenix testicles, some extract of a praying mantis sat nearby...."  
  
"How do you even harvest phoenix testicles?" Harry asked. "Do phoenixes have testicles?"  
  
"Are you going to ponder the mysteries of the universe or help me look?" Draco said testily. "Ahh, never mind...here we go." He pulled a jar out of the cabinet and handed it to Harry, who regarded the bright red, bulbous contents and shuddered. Draco locked the cabinet door back.  
  
"What in God's name are you and Weasley going to do with those, anyway?" Draco asked. "You never did tell me."  
  
"It's a surprise for Hermione, for her birthday," Harry answered. "We found this potion in an old book in the library, White-Hot Tongue Solution."  
  
"And why, pray tell, would she want a white hot tongue? That sounds painful. You could have just gotten her a pair of house shoes. Gryffindors are weird."  
  
"Well, it's not for her, really, it's for....it gives her...Oh, never mind, you probably don't want to know."  
  
Draco's eyes grew wide with horror. "Oh God. Oh nasty. You owe me for this. It ought to be good for a month's worth of blowjobs down the end of the Charms corridor after lunch."  
  
"You were going to get those anyway." Draco's mouth dropped open and he goggled at Harry. "What, I'm just saying. Come on, before Snape and Sirius decide to bring those clown shoes back here."   
  
Harry and Draco made their way back through the darkened corridors of Hogwarts. Their progress was somewhat impeded by the fact that they had to stop every few feet to kiss, but they eventually made it back almost to the Great Hall when....  
  
"Ohhh, Daphne."   
  
"What the...." Harry grabbed Draco and pulled him behind a suit of armor. He clapped one hand over Draco's mouth, grimaced when Draco tongued his palm but stubbornly held on.   
  
"It's Hermione."  
  
"Mmrph mmrph," Draco replied. Harry let go of him. "I said, who cares if it's just Granger? It's not like she's going to tell on you."  
  
"I can't let her see me with these phoenix testicles," Harry said. "She'll know what I'm up to."  
  
"Tell her they're for you, you berk," Draco answered.  
  
"They don't work on guys, now shut up before she hears you." Harry wrapped an arm around Draco and pulled him further behind the suit of armour.  
  
"You're going to kiss every one of my bruises," Draco said. "Twice."  
  
"Later, now shut it."  
  
Harry was thankful that he at least couldn't see what was going on this time. Whatever it was, it was punctuated by a lot of moaning and gasping and other interesting sounds that can't be reproduced here.   
  
"Hey, I know that girl," Draco whispered. "She's in Slytherin."  
  
A final gasp was heard, followed by a breathy whisper. "......I....love.....you."  
  
"Next time, love, remember to breathe."  
  
"I will...when can we do this again?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I'm free three Saturdays from next Saturday, from 4:32 to 4:38 a.m. Is that OK with you?"  
  
Both girls giggled. Hermione's voice could be heard again.  
  
"Oh, Daphne.....every time I look into your emerald jade orbs, of piercing intensity...."  
  
"Huh?" her girlfriend said articulately.   
  
".....I just want to snog you senseless."  
  
"Well, do it, then," Draco hissed. "My God. I would have had you naked and begging by now."  
  
"I do not beg," Harry answered.  
  
"You do. Especially when I do that thing with my mouth, you know the one-"  
  
"I do not beg," Harry repeated sulkily. "Oh, good, they're leaving."  
  
The girls moved off down the corridor. Harry and Draco stayed behind the suit of armour for a few minutes, then reemerged, dusting cobwebs off themselves.   
-------------------  
"My Slytherin sweater," Draco mourned. "It looks like it was involved in a sacrifice to the fashion gods."  
  
"I'll buy you a new one," Harry promised. "Come on, before we happen upon anything else we don't want to see." The two boys took off again.  
  
"I'll walk you to your dorm," Draco said. "I need my good night kiss."  
  
"I've kissed you so much tonight your lips are probably numb by now," Harry said.  
  
"Well, then, one more won't hurt, will it?" Draco replied. "I don't see why-" Footsteps approached from the other end of the Great Hall.  
  
Harry and Draco looked at each other wide-eyed. "Oh, no, not again," Harry moaned. "Quick, we'll hide under here."  
  
"That's the Hufflepuff table," said Draco, aghast. "There is no way that I am crawling under there."  
  
"Come on," Harry said, jerking Draco's hand roughly. "I am not getting caught with these phoenix testicles, no way."  
  
They crawled under the table, despite Draco's protestations. Harry went first, then stretched out on his back and motioned Draco on top of him. Draco settled himself comfortably.  
  
"I always liked this position," Draco said.  
  
"Do not get any ideas. We are hiding, not having sex under the Hufflepuff table."  
  
"Who said anything about sex?" Draco asked innocently. "I believe you owe me a blowjob, though."  
  
"Ewww...."  
  
"Ewww? I seem to recall that you were rather into it last time...."  
  
"I didn't say ewww.....who's there?"  
  
"Hi Harry, Draco."  
  
"Justin?" Harry said incredulously.  
  
"Hello Harry!"  
  
"Colin? What are you two doing under here?"  
  
"Well, that's rather a long story....."  
  
"We meet here a lot," Colin said brightly. "It's really private, actually, isn't it Justin?"  
  
"Private? What do you need privacy for?" Draco said interestedly.  
  
"They're discussing a secret plan to take over the world....what do you think they need privacy for, Draco?" Harry answered. "Everybody be quiet, someone's coming."  
  
"Wish it was me," said Draco, to no one in particular. Everyone ignored him, as usual.  
  
"....such a saucy boy, that Harry Potter."  
  
"Oh, my God, that's Filch," Justin said.  
  
"Did he just call me saucy?" Harry replied.  
  
"Shh...he's talking again."  
  
"From the moment I saw him, my sweet, I said his hair was like fine cornsilk....uneven, dull, maybe, but still beautiful. And his eyes were limpid pools, the irises swimming inside them like two green carp..."  
  
Draco buried his face in Harry's neck and shook with suppressed laughter.  
  
"Hey, Harry, did you hear that? He wants you," Colin whispered excitedly.  
  
"Shut up, Colin," Harry said through gritted teeth. Draco was now sobbing silently with laughter against Harry's shoulder.  
  
"Ah, kilts...that's the key," said a high pitched, squeaky voice.  
  
"Who the bloody hell was that?" Draco asked, raising his head and wiping the tears streaming from his eyes on the tail of Harry's shirt.  
  
"Mrs. Norris," Justin replied. "Didn't you guys hear? Filch the squib tried to put a charm on her so that she could talk. Turns out the cat has been obsessed with Mel Gibson movies all this time. She saw Braveheart the other night and it's been nothing but kilts, kilts, kilts. She's driving everybody mad."  
  
A sigh was heard from Filch. "Yes, yes, my sweet. You have your obsession and I have mine. Come, we'll go make tea and watch The Patriot."  
  
"They're leaving. Thank God, I can finally breathe again, " Harry said, exhaling slowly.  
  
"Why are you holding your breath?" Colin asked curiously.  
  
"I'm holding my breath because these stupid phoenix testicles were digging into my side, and I was afraid to move around enough to get rid of them," Harry said. "Draco, get off me, now, and lets go."  
  
"He's just testy because of the...well, you know, the phoenix testicles," Draco told Justin and Colin. "Normally he'd be begging me to stay on top of him, he loves it..."  
  
"I DO NOT BEG," Harry nearly shouted. "Off me, now, Draco."  
  
"We'll just be going now," Draco said to Justin and Colin, who were looking a bit frightened.   
  
"Phoenix testicles. Quite. But you'll be going now, then?" Justin asked.  
  
"Going," Harry said, dragging Draco out from under the table. They turned up the Gryffindor corridor and walked for a few minutes in blessed silence.  
  
"That was a nice chat," Draco ventured. Harry said nothing.  
  
"Colin and Justin make a nice couple. We're going to have to try it under the Slytherin table one night." Harry said nothing, but he allowed Draco to take his hand.  
  
"Wonder what kind of charm Filch used on his cat?" Harry continued his tradition of saying nothing.  
  
Draco broke. He howled, he snorted, he laughed until he cried. Harry leaned against the wall, crossed his arms, got comfortable, and watched his boyfriend. Draco would occasionally stop laughing, regard Harry for a moment and try to say something, and then lose it all over again. He finally stopped laughing and half-slumped against the wall.  
  
"Are you ever going to say anything?" Draco asked.  
  
Harry said something. "You," he told Draco, "talk too fucking much. But that's a problem we can fix." And Draco said...actually, Draco didn't say anything. He was too busy moaning, and besides it was hard to talk with Harry's tongue in your mouth and whoa, wait a minute, another few seconds of this and they'd be in the floor.   
  
_Yes!_ Draco's mind screamed. _Yes! Yes! Yes!_ He had followed Harry on this mission of insanity for the last three hours, and it was at last starting to pay off. He had almost had Harry in Snape's classroom when those two idiots had showed up with their stupid haircuts and clown shoes, and he had been sure he could talk Harry into something involving the removal of clothes under the Hufflepuff table but those other two idiots had been there. Was all of Hogwarts doing each other tonight?  
  
No matter. He and Harry were alone now. Well, they were in the middle of a potentially very public hallway but that had never stopped them before, and Harry was doing that slow writhe against him and making those eager noises in his ear and......  
  
"Sirs!"  
  
Draco almost hit the floor, and Harry screamed "Fuck!" in a voice that could have shattered glass.   
  
Draco looked down at the big-eared, bug-eyed creature standing by his knees. "You," he growled. "Do you know what you just interrupted?"  
  
Dobby stared at the two of them. He took in Draco's touseled hair and Harry's half-removed shirt, glanced down at the floor at the discarded cloaks, and turned beet red. Who knew house elves could blush?  
  
"But, but, Sirs, Dobby thinks there is something you should see..."  
  
"I don't want to see anything except naked Harry Potter, you poor excuse for a dust mop."  
  
Harry buried his face in Draco's shoulder. "Draco, please," he moaned, "does he really need to know what we're doing?"  
  
"Please, Sir," Dobby continued, "Dobby realizes young master Malfoy was about to get laid, Sir, but..."  
  
Just then a kangaroo hopped by.  
  
"What the hell....."  
  
It was followed shortly by Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, wearing nothing but boxer shorts, clown shoes and a big red nose.  
  
Draco's jaw dropped. Harry snickered. "Tell me that's not a typical Slytherin Saturday night, Draco."  
  
"No, we usually don't wear the noses past midnight," Draco said in an awed tone of voice.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. Dobby, put an egg in your shoe and beat it. Harry, back up against the wall."  
  
"Nice try," Harry said. "You know we have to follow him, don't you?"  
  
"I'm never going to get any, am I?" Draco sighed.  
  
Harry ran. Draco shook his head at the unfairness of it all and followed.   
  
It wasn't hard to catch the Potions Master and the kangaroo as they were moving quite slowly, what with the clown shoes and bouncing and all. They made a procession out the front door of Hogwarts, through the courtyard and onto the lane leading to the Quidditch pitch. Students popped out of the bushes left and right to stare in amazement. Draco concluded he had been right, all of Hogwarts _was_ doing each other tonight.  
  
"Oh my god! There's a kangaroo bouncing down the street. You should check this out," yelled a stunned Hufflepuff to his mates scattered about the bushes.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Harry puffed. He ws running out of breath and Snape and the kangaroo showed no sign of stopping.  
  
"Please, Sirius, come back," Snape yelled. "I can fix it, it was the infusion of yellow dock, I know you wanted to be a chimpanzee, Sirius, I can fix it, pleeaassee....."  
  
Harry stopped dead, causing Draco to run into him. They fell over into the soft grass, rolled down a hill and fetched up against a tree with a soft _oomph_.  
  
"Why did you stop running?" Draco asked. "Now I've got grass stains all over my trousers."  
  
"Did you really want to find out why Sirius asked Snape to make him a chimpanzee?" Harry asked. A slow grin spread across his face. "And what makes you think you need trousers anyway?"  
  
Draco grinned back. It looked like he was going to get laid after all.  
----------------------------------  
  



End file.
